Day 6

Day 6. It’s nice how much less I have craved alcohol these past 6 nights. I definitely think it’s 100% due to being in a different house. I just hope the cravings don’t come back strong again when we get all settled in and the excitement fades. I know the cravings will always come and go. But hopefully it won’t be every single night at the same time like it used to be. I know that will happen if I start drinking in this house.

I started reading the book Integral Recovery. It’s interesting. But I hate hearing that addicts will be addicts forever. But I guess it’s true. Even though I quit smoking cigarettes 4 years ago and have smoked one a few times since without feeling the need to start smoking regularly again. I guess alcohol is different.

As long as I don’t crave alcohol the rest of my life I am fine with being an addict and never drinking again. I guess.. Thinking of never drinking again is still a little overwhelming, actually. I do miss it. Sort of like an unhealthy relationship with someone you’ve attached yourself to. You know you’re so much better off, but there’s still a part of you that’s attached and can’t help but think of the good times.

I know I’ll never be a normal drinker and I’ll never even attempt that. I don’t have a desire to be a normal drinker. I don’t want to have one glass of wine. Ever. Two bottles? Yes. Drinking one glass of wine is like torture.

Sometimes I think there’s nothing wrong with me. The majority of the country (myself included) is overweight. Most are because they don’t exercise or they eat unhealthily, or both. And they want to eat right and exercise but they give up on their diets and give into watching tv or eating bad food when the temptation comes. Sometimes I see my struggle with alcohol being the same thing. Just being like most of the world.. having a lack of motivation or self control.

But I guess it’s different. I guess it’s hard to accept that you’re not normal. That you have a problem. I think I have accepted this. But I do try and talk myself out of it sometimes. I guess what I really want is just to not think about alcohol. To decide I’ll quit drinking without having to write about it in a blog. Or read books. Without having to “recover”. And I don’t mean it in a lazy way. I just want to live normally. I just want to forget about it and leave the past in the past. But I dug myself in this hole and it’ll take work getting out. And I am willing to do that.

Anyways, on a positive note.. I feel good and I don’t have a desire to drink. This is nothing like my past attempts. It’s strange, but miraculous. And I know it’s only day 6, but I was struggling HARD every single day when I had given up drinking before.

I have hope that one day I will live a life that is not centered around drinking or about being sober. But for now, sobriety first.

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Moving to the Mountains

They say moving houses or going through big life changes is the easiest way to begin or break habits. Well, I’ve moved 3 times this year (for my husband’s job training) and each time I said I would not drink in the new house. And I failed.

But this move is permanent. Finally! We are in a new state, in a little mountain town. We bought a house and this is where my son will grow up and go to school. I’m on day 5 and I will not let this house become associated with drinking.

I noticed tonight I didn’t have that moment of “Should I make an excuse to go get wine??” I never had a night when that didn’t happen in our last house. That last house was bad. Very bad. It was small and cluttered, extremely boring, and I was very depressed.

I’m so happy to start this new chapter. No more hangovers. No more shame. No more nightly fights with myself about whether to drink or not. No more exhaustion. No more self hate.

I’ve been trying for 2+ years to quit drinking. The furthest I have gotten was 10 or 11 days. I even spent over $500 on some online program by a popular soberiety author/blogger/podcaster/etc. (It was not too helpful.)  But this time is different. I feel prepared. I am deeply dedicated not to let myself associate this town and this house with alcohol. My new life is starting and I’m not going to screw it up!